Sobriety. Why I gave up drinking, how, and what's changed.

Hello :)

I feel like I’ve been banging on and on about all these transformations I’ve gone through in the last year, but to be fair this is literally my blog, so here’s another one.

I don’t want to sit here and tell you that alcohol has not passed my lips in the last eight months, because that is a lie. I drink a glass of wine, or prosecco, or maybe even a cheeky cocktail when it is offered to me. So if you’re gonna be like that about it, technically I am not sober.

With that said, I haven’t been past the point of being mildly tipsy in eight whole months. I gave up substance abuse (covering all bases; drink, drugs and things that you smoke) eight months ago.

I haven’t actually smoked at all in over a year now.

That’s a really big deal to me.

The most effective form of ‘sobriety’ for me, is not going cold turkey. And that’s part of the reason why I wanted to write this article.

I want to share my experiences to be able to say; ‘what advice guru’s and people on socials are telling you to do might not actually be a good fit for you’.

This is real life.

I think when you’re really serious about breaking a pattern or a habit, it takes self analysis.

I tried giving up alcohol all together a number of times, but back in July when I really sat and thought about it, I realized that all my most self sabotaging behaviors have involved binging.

When I was in my late teens I developed a really unhealthy binge relationship with alcohol, which was likely passed down to me as a learned coping mechanism, but also was likely as a result of undiagnosed autism.

I may not have been the most raging alcoholic drug addict in the world, I might even be pretty healthy, but there is no denying I have had a large portion of my life negatively impacted by my relationship with substances.

I didn’t realize how dramatic it was until I gave it up intentionally.

I started drinking when I was 13 or 14 at house parties. It was innocent and stupid, but I grew up in the skins era, so everyone in my circle was a bit messy and it was kinda glamourised to be angsty and have mental issues.

I was a pretty big partier between the ages of 16 and 20.

When I was 18 and started going clubbing, to me, it wasn’t a night out unless I got blackout.

If you have had an unhealthy relationship with substances (which is so common and normalized in the UK) you might be able to relate to how behaviors become habitual. There's like a mental checklist of the night that you have before you feel like you can be done.

I got a bit of a reputation. I hated how I just said things when I was drunk just for the sake of saying things. I hated how vulnerable I made myself, and the hangxiety, the way I was completely ignoring my intuition. I hated what a loose cannon I was, and how alcohol had the power to unleash all my sadness and anger and put it on display for a bunch of strangers on a night out to see.

If you decorate your life with alcohol, life becomes a daunting thing to face sober.

I would be in party mode for a few months, then I would swear off everything for months, then I would eventually swing back the other way and say ‘whatever, I’m young’ and overdo it in the name of socializing.

I knew for quite a while that I had a problem before this summer. But I thought that my life would be so empty and lonely if I gave up drinking all together.

This summer, when I was going through perhaps, no joke, one of the worst weeks of my life, I got drunk in some crusty old club in my small hometown, surrounded by a bunch of zombie looking people with terrible vibes. After that I was done.

I said to myself ‘You’ve worked too hard to build yourself stability just to piss it all away by getting drunk and putting your worst self on display for everyone to see. You’ve sacrificed friendships, money, time. This isn’t cute anymore, and these years won't be as forgiving’.

Without going on about it more than I need to, that was it. My lungs felt weaker and I was just ready to stop.

Since giving up alcohol, I’ve had to re-evaluate my relationship to so many things.

I’ve re-evaluated the basis on which I make friends, and I’ve re-evaluated what I value when allowing people into my life.

I have cried a lot.

I’ve become distant from certain people.

Removing alcohol removed a lot of distractions and numbness. I’ve had to find outlets and ways to channel my temper, pent up-ness, and impulsivity. I’ve had to sit with a lot of sadness and trauma that would make me want to drink.

I have replaced drinking with working HARD on my degree and various side hustles. I create a lot, regardless of whether or not what I create is necessarily ‘good’. I often perform one woman shows and concerts alone in my room until 4 o’clock in the morning.

It’s very important that I exercise enough to wear myself out. I go to the gym, and research a bunch of sober activities with the intent to get out at least once everyday.

I have more brunch dates and girly sleepovers than parties.

I do still go to parties, but I have a nice time, I dance, and I go to bed.

No more waking up on random sofas wondering where I am, no more awkward car rides home from god knows where with random people, no more blanks in memory.

Last week my housemates threw a house party and instead of cramming in the basement I went to my neighbors and ended up playing mario kart on the wii. It felt like the epitome of self care.

It’s really taken time to get to this point though.

I have had to learn to analyze what kind of underlying emotion is influencing me to drink.

Drinking, for me, is something I would do to fit in socially and it led to a lot of impulsive, vengeful behavior. I always thought having the common ground of drinking and stuff made my relationships fun and youthful, but looking back, the relationships I based on those grounds ended up being with really shitty and immoral people. It was shallow.

Giving up drinking (and the rest) has really helped me to learn how to harness my energy and stop living in a wounded victim mentality. It has cleared my space. It’s also really helped me maintain boundaries, which keeps me focused and able to achieve things that I simply wouldn't have the energy to do otherwise.

I feel safer, and less dependent on others. I feel more secure and confident within myself.

The cons are short lived.

If I ever feel like sobriety is a waste of my time I go back and think about all the self sabotaging things I unconsciously did drunk.

I’m still learning to love and forgive the person I once was. I already do love the person I am becoming.

Drinking and partying served its purpose in my life because it got angst out of my system. I know what it’s like to live through that party phase, and I even had a bit of fun sometimes. It was a good way of making temporary friends who help you get through temporary hardships.

If you are thinking about getting sober, it doesn’t matter where you are in your life, it is possible. And you don’t necessarily ‘have’ to do it the way other people expect you to.

The most important thing is that you don't lie to yourself.

In this life, I just want to be free. To me, having no attachments to substances and not feeling bound to habits or behaviors is really liberating, and it’s changed my life for the better.