why i started eating meat again

In the last year I‘ve been going through a lot of transformations, and would like to share some of them.

I have just started eating meat again after spending six years fluctuating between being vegetarian and vegan. When I finally started, I noticed that I felt a lot of shame about it. I'm thinking, if I feel that shame, despite having completely valid reasons for giving up on that diet, how many other people are continuing to try and stick to a vegan or vegetarian path while their body is shutting down?

I’m very very stubborn, and spent years believing that being veggie/vegan is the truly healthiest path, and somehow it makes you more enlightened. Maintaining this diet eventually stopped being about health and started being entirely about ego. There is a lot of ego in the veggie/vegan community, and a lot of judgement.

For that reason, I am writing this.

I first went vegan in 2015, after years of disordered eating. I consumed a lot of propaganda, mistaking it for research (two different things) and became obsessed with the idea of being a healthy, clean, hippy vessel. I saw a lot of benefits. Reduced intake of meat is supposedly good for the environment (although research now shows that greed is the real issue, and mass production of soy beans also harms the environment). Cleansing your body of processed meats/food is good for health. I was also really tempted by the vegan diet because after years of disordered eating and body issues, I was told (by a lot of propaganda) that eating vegan is an easy way to eat whatever you want and keep weight off. I also saw a lot of footage of how animals are treated when meat is badly sourced, and it put me off.

For many months I became very aware of what was on my plate, deeping the fact that what I was currently chewing on once had legs and walked on a field and made farm animal noises. One day, on 23rd July 2015 (don’t ask me why I remember that so well) I was in the middle of eating some duck on holiday and just decided there and then that I wouldn’t be doing that anymore.

My diet prior to this mainly consisted of fish and the occasional red meat meal. I felt like a normal human being. When I went vegan, my mood dropped as food became a ‘problem’ for me, I was not educated enough to feed myself with all the nutrients I needed. When I went veggie, so I could educate myself a little more and stop eating so restrictively, I didn’t notice any difference in my body. I just felt normal again. I noticed that I was able to eat more, I felt pretty good, and food was not as heavy.

However, fluctuating between vegetarianism and veganism for a year or two stopped me from being as in tune with my body. I wasn’t grounded at all, I was very low on energy, and my immune system was weak. I definitely went through periods where I did everything I was supposed to do. I ate all the vegetables, all the fruits, all the lentils and beans. I took supplements, drank water, slept, exercised. I did everything I was supposed to do, and yet I was gaunt, low on energy, dizzy, ungrounded, and not doing well.

I didn’t think that this was due to my diet and it simply did not cross my mind. At this point, meat just didn’t seem like food to me anymore. My body was screaming for it but I just used to suppress the cravings to the point where I struggled to listen to my body and what it needed anymore.

My inner voice would also tell me that I was a failure if I were to eat meat. The veggie/ vegan community will just scream this at you. ‘You’re not eating enough, you need to do your research’. I’m just gonna let these people wait it out and see how it goes for them. I also wish these people a lot of self love and forgiveness.

There was a year or two where I got tonsillitis almost every three months, it was absolutely ridiculous. My body was not well and I was weak. In January 2021 I got the worst tonsillitis I can remember while in isolation with my boyfriend, and I finally found a doctor who paid me enough attention to run some tests. Turns out, I got glandular fever at some point back in 2017 and had been having recurring bouts ever since, which was likely encouraged by how weak and unsatisfied my body was.

I am proud of my body for managing to carry on enough that no one suspected I had glandular fever, and I am proud of the strength I had to continue living my life through it all; but this was a wakeup call. I have a good friend who is chronically ill and very into functional health medicine, she teaches me an awful lot about life and health. I spoke to her and she recommended some echinacea to take once everyday for three months to boost my energy while I was getting over this, but she also voiced a concern I had in the back of my mind. If I was not careful, I could easily end up chronically ill myself.

We had a really good chat actually. We were talking about the ethics of animal consumption and I said, ‘I just don’t want to be the reason why an animal suffers’. She said ‘well have you heard what ancient tribes used to say if they came across a cow or a pig? Or if a whale washed up on shore? They would thank the animal’s soul for feeding their family. They would see the animal as a gift from their ancestors, giving them enough nourishment to live through another few weeks’.

When I thought of it like that, it felt different walking past the meat aisles in tesco just ignoring the meat, and not acknowledging the lives that have been laid down to feed me.

I don’t agree with the greed of humanity, or the senseless harm that big meat corporations inflict on the environment and the animals they kill.

But I do think that responsibly sourced meat is a gift that encourages me to be even more grateful and loving, because a malnourished human is a tetchy, complacent and resentful one.

When I was out of bed and managing to go for walks a few days later, my boyfriend and I were driving around my hometown and we went past a kfc.

I said “I really want some chicken”.

He looked at me as if I had confessed to a murder, with a badly concealed look of excitement on his face. He said really softly “I won’t tell anyone”.

So we ended up in kfc car park secretly scranning a massive bargain bucket.

I felt guilty because I know that kfc is a really unhealthy and unethical organization, and I felt a bit off the rails. Probably more off the rails than the time i spontaneously dropped acid in a uni dorm and ended up being awake for 32 hours. I felt slightly like a failure, but I’m not gonna pretend I didn’t feel more energized and fulfilled.

I felt like I just had a shot of adrenaline while being on my death bed.

Is that a good thing? I’m no nurse, but I felt good, and that’s what I’m trying to say.

In the next few weeks/ months I began secret eating meat every now and then, and each time I noticed how truly amazing and energized and fulfilled I felt. Meat made me feel so grounded.

I decided to drop the facade in September and now everyone knows I eat meat. Until the other day I kept saying it was only temporary, but after doing some research and hearing other ex veggies explain why they are no longer on that diet, I think I’m good.

I saw one lady who I followed for years explaining that it took her to have a miscarriage due to iron and b12 deficiencies for her to start eating meat again. Another woman nearly lost her life in childbirth. So many people were coming out about getting sick from this diet but I just wasn’t ready to hear it before, and it hadn’t crossed my mind. I was always striving to be as ‘pure’ as people who seem to be lying to themselves.

Veganism and vegetarianism isn’t all bad, it serves a purpose and is good for a detox, but there is a balance to strike. I'm not sure that it is a good long term solution.

I also wanted to touch on a point that I heard someone talk about, when I was doing this research. I believe it was from Laura Bird.

She said something along the lines of; vegans/ vegetarians seem to be ignoring a normal and natural part of life by not wanting to eat meat, because it causes harm. Suffering and death is a part of life, it is natural. The big horrendous meat industries are not, but the responsible sourcing of meat is. The fact is that every human will experience both suffering and death in their lives, so it puts us back in the food chain to eat meat.

She also said- and this one hit home- that a lot of vegetarians and vegans she had met seemed to have grown up in an environment where they were not safe to put themselves first and meet their own needs. She speculated that perhaps this diet, which involves suppressing our needs and denying ourselves what we need so that we do not inflict pain on another, is just another way that manifests.

I feel an awful lot better now that I eat meat, and I am thankful to have been on this journey and to have listened to my body before it was too late.

Oh- and as far as body image is concerned- I have done a lot of healing in that area already so I am less bothered about keeping weight off- but since eating meat I have gained muscle and become curvier. Which I love, because I feel like a WOMAN. As far as I am concerned this just gives me another reason to love the cows.